Humor by Alex Knapper '18
Essays are like paper clips. You can bend, break, twist them all you want, but at the end of the day, a paper clip is still a paper clip.
The simile I just mentioned makes zero sense, and in all honesty, it would be foolish to make that comparison between an essay and a paperclip. I really don’t know why I juxtaposed those two objects; quite frankly, I thought it would sound super smart and academic. I guess it didn’t.
If you’ve read this far, then I suppose you truly want to know the secrets behind writing a good essay. After much deliberation, I’ve come up with three paramount tips for you to follow. Follow these tips, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a better and superior writer.
1. Use Complicated Words that No One Knows the Meaning of.
Seriously. Just google, “words that no one uses anymore.” Find some complex words like “ulotrichous” and “nudiustertian.” Work these words into your sentences and your teacher will think you to be very well-read and very smart. They don’t even have to make sense. Just make them sound complicated.
2. If you’re below the word count, don’t think! Type!
There are some things that are better left said than unsaid, but those unsaid things shouldn’t be said because they were left unsaid; that being said, the said things can be said only if you want them said and not unsaid because they were said in the first place.
I just turned a phrase that easily could’ve been less than 10 words into about 50 words. If you find yourself struggling to hit that word count minimum, start restating the same idea over and over again. I can promise that you’ll hit your word count in no time. Your teachers will love it too. There’s nothing better than a run-on sentence that gives your reader TONS of difficulty.
3. Be abrupt about ending.
You know what I love? When someone cuts off their idea in the. Like that, see? Never get your full point across. Instead, before revealing your inspiring insight, just cut off the sentence and leave it without a proper conclusion. Trust me on that. Any reader adores not understanding the argument or point of the writer’s essay.
Those are the best pieces of advice I can give you to writing a perfect essay; however, there’s one more profound tip I can share, and it goes something like this: don’t follow any of the three bits of advice I just gave you. It doesn’t work out well, and your teachers will hate it. Just follow your own style, be insightful, meet with your teacher, and always, always proofread! That’s all you can really do. And with that, I wish you the best of luck with all your writing endeavors!