Humor by Judy Ahn '19
Uh oh. It’s that time of day again — your NCS English class. That means you need to make the treacherous walk up the Hearst stairs.
Let’s start off with some nice, gentle stretches before we start our expedition. Stick out your calf and do a deep lunge. (Be sure to trip some students who are rushing to class and don’t leave any room for them to squeeze by.) Pull your arm behind your head and gently stretch (remember to never wear deodorant). Lastly, let’s do some voice exercises in case we need to scream for help if we fall down the stairs. Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. If you say you didn’t read this with the musical jingle, you’re either a liar or a god.
Now that we’re all warmed up, let’s begin our journey. Let’s start off strong with a quick jog up while we’re still fresh and ready...great! Now let’s look at our progress: three steps, and only about 1,243,475,983 to go. But, hey, it’s progress. Let’s reward ourselves. Take out that piece of chocolate that’s been sitting in your backpack for three weeks and enjoy the taste of melted cocoa beans. Oh, shoot. Do you see what I see? An angry teacher with a coffee-less mug. We better start lifting those feet again. By now, it’s completely normal to be breathing like a dying wombat.
“Bruh, that was so zip. You should’ve seen that dass.”
“Nah man, it was just mooch. I’ve also seen shagigity and maluhoola — it was so gurgilymurgily.”
Crap. STA lingo. That means STA boys. Quick, make it look like you’re examining a picture on the wall and hold your breath so they can’t hear you wheezing. Okay, they’re gone. You can wheeze again.
Okay, we made it to the second floor. How much time has passed? Ten minutes? Hey, new record! But remember kids, fuel is everything. Take out your protein shake and take a sip of that weird-tasting chocolate milkshake. Make sure to wave it around so everyone can see it. Be excessively annoying about it. Say things like “Man, this is 5000 grams of protein” or “I can lift 764 lbs with my left pinky.”
We’re almost there now. We can see the summit, and the light is growing at the end of the tunnel. Our vision may be blurry and our muscles may be tight, but we can see it. Keep going!
“Hey, did you also get out of class early?” a student says to you on their way down.
An hour’s passed?!?!? Well, we tried. Pack your bags and go home kids. I guess the stairs took the gold this time. Don’t worry — you’ll get ‘em next time.
Or will you?