Humor by Frederick Horne '18
3 January 8:13 AM
One “Big Texas” confiscated and destroyed. Precinct’s first crime of the new year. Presiding officer reiterated the importance of SBORFF and the War on Cockroaches.
4 January 11:11 AM
Phone confiscated from student in MH 312. Presiding officer spotted illicit cell phone use during Ensembles period when looking through glass window in door. Officer reiterated that cell phones are allowed only in designated areas. Four phones additionally confiscated in the Bradley Commons.
5 January 11:40 AM
Three students banned from library after discovered consuming food. Presiding officer emphasized that SBORFF forbids food in the library. Officer greeted a teacher consuming almonds in the library and took no action.
6 January 10:16 AM
Student ordered to shave. Presiding officer reiterated that facial hair is not allowed, and student bystanders thanked the officer for forcing the student to shave.
17 January 9:15 AM
Five phones confiscated. Presiding officer entered classroom to speak with teacher and spotted students using phones instead of paying attention in class. Officer additionally searched corridor to Biology labs and discovered ten backpacks in violation of HASFOB. Officer relocated six bags to glass box, five to library, and one to tree in the middle of Olmsted Woods.
18 January 2:15 PM
Student ordered to don blazer. Presiding officer discovered student walking through hallway wearing a sweatshirt over his shirt. Officer proceeded to walk past several other students similarly dressed but took no action.
19 January 1:21 PM
Student ordered to remove hoodie. Presiding officer spotted the student at lunch wearing the garment under his blazer. Officer took no action against second student at same table and likewise wearing a hoodie.
22 January 2:44 PM
Student reprimanded for not wearing tie. Presiding officer noticed that the student was not wearing a tie after the student removed his blazer and jacket. Serious TBAT violation. Officer concluded that the student had spent the entire day without wearing a tie and no one had noticed. Further investigation pending.
23 January 7:46 AM
Phone confiscated. Student protested that he was waiting for his classroom to open, and the presiding officer stated that cell phones are allowed only in the refectory, glass boxes, the library with permission, and outside during school hours. Officer missed 299 other instances of illegal phone use that day.
24 January 10:30 AM
Student reprimanded for sleeping in assembly. Presiding officer spotted the student resting his head on his hand. Officer failed to wake second student sleeping in a seat adjacent to the first student, additionally missing seventeen other students and one teacher sleeping during the same assembly.
25 January 11:20 AM
Presiding officer entered MH 314 and discovered nine students all using cell phones and consuming food. Officer confiscated phones of three students, disposed of food of three students, and left the remaining three students to continue using phones and consuming food.
26 January 3:30 PM
No officer-discovered violations today. On side note, several officers spotted students smiling at laps, sitting with blazers draped over adjoining desks, and wearing jackets during both chapel and lunch.