Alex Misiaszek ‘21
So you walk into class and you see a seemingly insane teacher with the biggest grin you’ve ever seen standing at the front of the room. They introduce themself as your teacher and inform your class that they intend to throw you off a cliff this year and that most of you will fly. They then turn their head to make direct eye contact with you saying, “Some of you won’t fly, but the majority of you will,” all the while, grinning ear to ear. Sound familiar? I thought so — it’s the first day of freshman year.
Here’s what you’re going to do:
1) Excuse yourself to the bathroom and have a cathartic emotional breakdown as your heart sinks to your stomach while you realize that the teacher who you thought looked a little nuts could probably be clinically considered mentally insane. It’s ok. Deep breaths. Now stop being so dramatic and go back to class! You’ve had your two minutes. Now go face the remaining 63,418 minutes left of your freshman year.
2) Ok, lunch time. This isn’t as straightforward as you might imagine. Nay, you must get accustomed to starving yourself to avoid refilling the portion of food at your table that is invariably almost empty. The bowl of food will always be containing exactly one morsel generously left behind by the previous student at your table. You may think that if you wait the rest of the table out, someone else will refill the bowl, but you’re wrong. You would be shocked how many people would willingly starve themselves to avoid standing in line at the kitchen. And now you’re one of them!
3) Now, you’re a few weeks into school, and you’re realizing that those 8 hours of sleep prescribed by almost every adult who invariably takes time out of your life that you would otherwise spend sleeping simply do not exist. Not to worry: many people have come before you and worked out exactly how to tackle such an issue. Yes my friends, I am referring to the divine, life-giving liquid colloquially referred to as “coffee”. There are three ways to maximize the seemingly ever-shrinking vessel which you use to nourish yourself with the life-giving stuff. First, you must drink black coffee. I know it tastes bad — get used to it. Cream and sugar waste space that could be filled by caffeine. Second, iced coffee is the only option. You don’t have enough time to babysit a scalding hot cup of coffee while you wait for it to cool down. Third, you can’t just use any old ice cubes in your iced coffee. Again, these waste space that could be filled by more coffee. So what you’re going to do is freeze some black coffee (yes it must be black) in an ice tray the night before so you can cool down your coffee with more coffee. Isn’t that genius?! I know, no need to tell me.
Ok so now you know everything that you need to know to survive freshman year. And the most important thing to remember is that 99% of this is just an overly dramatic joke.
Or is it…