Bota Saudabayeva '18
WASHINGTON, DC- As a monstrous yellow fever epidemic sweeps its way through the United States, Asian communities are devastated by the sudden disappearance of crucial yellow fever vaccines. After long periods of systemic ignorance, the United Nations ruled on September 2nd, 2016, to take control of the wide amounts of virulent weeaboos in the US by calling for the importation of exactly one million vaccines. However, due to the gross mismanagement of these lifesavers, many worry that their loved ones will not stop secretly coveting samurai sword collections in their basements and obsessing over anime cartoons.
“This could have been prevented,” commentated Andy Walker, a senior official at the Center for Disease Control, “my own brother started showing symptoms; his opening pick-up line was just a statement that he only had Asian ex-girlfriends.” Andy continued to regale us with news of a recently started go-fund-me page for Alistair Walker, reasoning that “it’s amazing how silent of a killer this disease is- it swooped right over my head. I hope now that I can reach him in this state.” Hopes are not high for Alistair’s treatment, as his page currently has drawn a meager sum of four dollars and twenty cents, donated by a high Reddit user.
"It's amazing how silent of a killer this disease is"
Surprisingly, experts insist that the most infected demographic are non-Asian men. Shortly after the call for US vaccination, the World Health Organization convened to release several public statements regarding symptoms of this contagion. Rick Sanders, head researcher at the Vaccine Department, announced that “while those affected may seem like ‘nice guys,’ be wary of their internet search history, especially on porn websites. Although preferences for dating are normal, be incredibly cautious of men who romanticize the race of the person they are dating, whose only requirement for a romantic/sexual affiliation is the color of the other person’s skin.” As the information reaches the people, media sources are outing sick celebrities, such as Childish Gambino.
Amidst the chaos, several women have begun to seek out home remedies to yellow fever. Hannah Nguyen, a volunteer at the Red Cross, stated that she was having a night out with her friends when “a white guy approached [her] and attempted to seduce [her] by repeating ‘Ni hao!’” She paused and shuddered to remember the debacle, “I’m not Chinese, and English is my first language. It was gross.” Her group discovered methods that included a swift kick to the crotch of the infected person- a destabilizer that allowed ample time for the victim to flee.
Interestingly enough, Asian women across the United States have stepped up to proclaim that yellow fever has been a concern for decades without government acknowledgment. Apparently rooted in the anti-Asian history of the US, yellow fever is a social disease that is bred through the consumption of timeless propaganda suggesting that Asian women are docile and sexual objects. Using complicated terms such as “racism” and “exotification,” their cries fall upon deaf and uncomprehending ears, sadly including the author of this article. The conspiracy of the source of yellow fever continues to wind around the worried populace. Get well, America.