By Madeline Hopper '20 and Ellie Kearns '20
Girls chatter in Hearst before the opening Cathedral service on the first day of school. An overwhelming feeling of dread passes over us as we realize that, yet again, we are at the bottom of the social ladder. However, this incoming class of freshmen has a plan. Gone are the days of freshmen being the lowest of the low. We may be freshmen, but we plan to rule the school. Don’t worry, we reviewed Mean Girls, Clueless, and looked over our notes from orientation before configuring our plan. Although we may have limited knowledge of high school, here is our Super Secret Master Plan™ for freshmen domination.
Befriend the upperclassmen by any means necessary (and we mean any means necessary.) Say a senior forgot her credit card for her $17 large iced coffee with two shots of espresso and extra vanilla syrup from Open City? You’ve got her covered (for funding plan see part three). A junior posts a selfie sporting her new Lilly Pulitzer dress? Be sure to comment your typical: “Gorgeous! 😍😍😍” Side note: the heart emojis are key to this interaction.
Always bring snacks to homeroom. Everyone loves to eat. That’s a fact of life. Now not everyone can or will eat the same things, so make sure to be accommodating of everyone in your homeroom. I’m talking about Amy, the girl who watched a sad documentary on Netflix about how carnivores are killing the planet, and is now a vegan. No shade on Amy though– she’s right. Fun fact, she’s also gluten free. And don’t get me started on Carry; she refuses to eat red food.
Babysit a celebrity’s child. Nobody cares that you got paid $10 an hour to babysit a snotty three year old on Saturday. But hold up, does that baby’s mom have three bestsellers published or a seat in the senate? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then congrats! You just got about three months to talk all about how nice the house and the car were and how their kid was oh-so-cute.
Now that we have the upperclassman in our pocket, the love of all members of our homerooms, and the admiration of all jealous freshmen and sophomores, we are ready to rule the school.