By Gabe Schneider '18
The following is a further excerpt from the notes of Dr. Harry Lang, previously seen in this publication for his linguistic study of STA senior slang in documents discovered by our very own Fred Horne ‘18. In this week’s look into Dr. Lang’s extraordinary mind, we encounter him in his older years, circa 2017, when he turned from the soft joys of humanities to the hard sciences. Though protests were heard throughout the Exchanged editorial population, concerned with the document’s journalistic value, a last-minute verification from the NCS Social Sciences Dept. soothed all doubts.
Dr. Harry Lang presents: The Fauna of STA/NCS Government Club: Your Guide to the Close’s Premier Place People Gather But Mostly Not To Eat [we conjecture Dr. Lang had, as many of us do, a complex relationship with Open City] Aka: All of Gov is Divided Into Three Parts
Phylum 1: Sofomoridae
As the ecosystem’s most newly evolved group, the Sofomoridae still require alertness and wit to evade the attacks of more established foes. Though many among their ranks are classified in the Silencius telefonus, known for elaborate concealment behaviors involving black, glowing talismans held in one hand, much more common is the Justkinde enjoyingus, who observes the surrounding rhythms of battle/mating rituals with interest, but (inexplicably to those of other phylae) feels no compulsive need to project itself into it. The J. engoyingus are puzzling especially for their ability to just… be at ease with life itself, a quality that draws only suspicion from the other phylae.
Phylum 2: Juniorii
Due to either a hitherto unknown talent for reproduction or a wealth of available free time, species under the Juniorii umbrella are often a majority population of the Gov Club ecosystem. Due to an older ancestral lineage, the Juniorii possess a more highly evolved self-consciousness (often mistakenly referred to as “self-importance” by foreign or observant researchers). This feature, controversially labelled “more evolved” by some, leads the Juniorii into a wide splintering of species. Among the most prominent is the Encyclopediem perennia, whose combative protection of its own territory is notable for intricate calls and twittering: common performances featuring such relatively complex expressions as “Heritage Foundation,” “economically feasible,” and “as indicated by polls from.” The E. perennia is a natural enemy of Stentorius explodite, who is not only shares the former’s phylogeny but much of its language, though Stentorius is known for less reserved displays, preferring heavy diction and sweeping movements to enlarge itself. Lastly among the notable Juniorii is the puzzling type Welldevelopedi speechicus, whose general snugness in its environment proves as a serious challenge to most members of…
Phylum 3: Senioritiditaqua
In lineage, these life forms are undoubtedly the most ancient among the Gov fauna; indeed, though they were once thought to be flora, there is still controversy as to how far, if at all, these beings have evolved since the early days of the Earth. As discussed by Dr. Deed in his landmark study “Does the Senior Possess RNA?”, there is still a valid question as to whether or not the members of Senioritiditaqua are in fact older than the primeval soup of early Cambrian times. Either way, this third phylum is notable for its uniform sameness: no species have been distinguished to date. Communicating in a language unknown to any others, switching unpredictably between stony stillness and prolonged verbal activity, this phylum remains the least known. At the very least, the Senioritiditaqua provide a comforting, zen-like overtone to the more frenzied rhythms of the vigorous second phylum. Overall, FTB.