Anita Li '21
Hello Homo Sapiens,
It’s me, Chris. Chris Mustree. It’s that time of year, where a ton of you guys go around slaughtering my friends and family. Yeah, you got that right. You think The Purge is just a fantastical dystopian movie? Nope, not for us coniferous trees. Every winter, millions of us are kidnapped and dispersed across America without any legal consequences.
I’ve been lucky enough to not have my trunk severed by a suburban middle-aged dad, but I have heard rumors from the departed. They tell us scary stories of how you guys dress us without our permission. At what point did you guys decide that shoving shiny metal balls in our branches would be considered “cute?” You humans can barely manage to keep your masks on, don’t tell me what I should be wearing.
I know some of you might think, “Chris, you’ve gotta be getting some of the money we pay right? How else would you grow into such a fabulous Fraser Fir?”
Well to the point where my dear friend Maddie Lee ’21 told me that she paid $165 for one tree, I should be living in my own climate-controlled tree mansion. But we’re all huddled outside surrounded by snow, getting peed on by dogs and kicked by angsty toddlers. But even if you don’t believe that we deserve basic rights, no amount of money can make up for the families separated.
But not only has this brutal “tradition” destroyed the coniferous community, it’s created divisions as well. For years, whenever someone saw the White House employees pulling up to visit, they would rustle their branches to the tune of the National Anthem. Immediately, every tree gets a couple feet taller, every brown needle and droopy branch is shaken to the ground.
Two years ago, they chose my ex-girlfriend, Connie Forustree. I was so ready to do long-distance, and she told me she wanted to “make it work.” But then she became a celebrity, the prettiest plant in the phylum. At first, we’d communicate via PollenPost® all the time, but soon we started drifting apart. Two months later, she stopped waving her branches at me and started hanging out with the orchids in the Botanical Gardens…*sniffs*
Jokes on her anyways, Melania dunked her in red paint.
Anyways, the reason why I’m writing this letter isn’t to talk about my love life, it’s to ask you for one simple favor: please get an artificial tree. Leave us evergreens alone. You want to celebrate Christmas with your family, and we do too.
I promise it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement, a symbiotic relationship if you will. After y’all screwed up the economy, you don’t have the disposable income to buy a real tree that you’re gonna toss out in less than a month. In fact, after multiple linear regressions and some mathematical modeling, Nia Brown ’21 concluded that a fake tree and a can of “Fresh-cut Pine” scented Febreeze will get you much more bang for your buck.
If you would like to support the movement, please donate. My venmo is
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