The Case for the Elimination of the Index Finger

Holden Lombardo '23

Note: For the purposes of reader assistance, simplicity, and reduced stress, I have thoughtfully labelled the parts of the following “comedic” article in which the reader (you) should laugh, out of consideration or pity (laugh here).  

I think we can all agree that the human hand is rather outdated. Perhaps, in the days of climbing trees and hunting prey, these small, strange, slender limbs called fingers played a pivotal role in the survival of mankind. But, as a species, we cannot live in the past. In the twenty-first century, fingers are, at best, somewhat handy (pun intended — laugh here). So I acknowledge the relative importance of fingers, but do we really need ten? From what I understand of science, the heart is also relatively important and I only have one of those. I propose we lose the index fingers on both hands. 

Although many people claim to value the index finger as important and useful, reality contradicts their ill-conceived notions, proving it the least valuable of the five. The thumb obviously must remain for a reason more than evident: thumbtacks. Now, I’m not entirely knowledgeable about the relationship between thumbs and thumbtacks, but I definitely don’t want to eliminate thumbs only to kill the thumbtack industry and displace millions of workers. Another clearly useful finger is the middle finger, which was “discovered in 1872” according to the dictionary. The middle finger is vital, since this finger holds rings of all sorts, including wedding rings, ring pops, and others. Next, the ring finger isn’t actually important at all but I think it’s “cool” so it stays. Finally, many people believe the false narrative that the pinky is an irrelevant finger. In actuality, the pinky is not a finger, but a toe.

On the average day, I use my fingers for three main reasons: to write, to type, and to peel a banana. Now, I understand that these three activities are essential and important aspects of student life. However, allow me to explain the actual insignificance of fingers to these activities. First, with the absence of the index finger, one can simply replace it with a pencil built into the hand. The pencil finger would ensure students always arrive to class prepared, so I can stop borrowing pencils every period (laugh here if you care for the writer who spent a certain period of time writing this article so roughly seven people could read it). Secondly, typing is actually bad for you. This is because computers are bad for you because videogames cause violence, so you shouldn’t actually be typing anything anyway. Thirdly, to avoid the necessity of peeling bananas, simply purchase pre-peeled bananas from the following website: www.theexchanged.com. 

According to “The Exchanged Article and Contribution Guidelines 2021-2022,” every article must be at least 500 words, so here are a few more:
Taco Soy Flower Dragon Water Disguise Philanthropy Noodle Condominium Reckless Spoon Racket Demise Mr. Schultz Toaster Fern Sink War Pillow Scissors Kettle Lizard Rocket Paper Three More Words

Bibliography:
"Urban Dictionary: Middle Finger". 2022. Urban Dictionary. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Middle%20Finger.