As Eastern Europe teeters on the brink of war, and tensions in the South China Sea remain high, there is much fear among the American population about the prospects of another major war. These fears are totally misguided, and let me explain why.
Overpopulation is the world’s greatest problem. It’s the cause of poverty, hunger, lack of water, lack of vaccines, and a multitude of other issues. How do we deal with overpopulation? Thanos knew the answer: death. In our circumstances, war is just the smartest option. We need to kill a lot of people. Death is just natural, and what is more natural than war? We have been fighting since the beginning of society because, in order to regulate our population, we have always needed war. Now—hear me out—we only have to send those who would like to go to war. This also means that if we have a massive world war, we can eliminate those war-hungry criminals that pollute our society with violence.
Additionally, the best periods of American prosperity have followed wars. Think of the roaring 20s: After World War I, we received a ton of money because our intervention in the war, and our economy boomed. Then, after ten years of peace, our economy went into the gutter. Luckily, FDR realized the problem, which is why he faked the attack on Pearl Harbor to get us into World War II. Afterwards came the 1950s, where we all drove around chrome cars, listened to Frank Sinatra, and had a great time. If we have a war right now, the stock market will soar, domestic production will be kicked into high gear, and we will create countless inventions. It has been a formula since the beginning of time.
War will reinvigorate our people’s flagging sense of nationalism. We must assert ourselves as an American Empire of Liberty and the greatest world power the Earth has ever seen. The only way we can do this is by winning a massive war and having negotiating power because of it. In order to provoke a great world war, we must make a smart first strike. I would consider nuking a piece of China or Russia. They are our biggest threats and both have an abundance of allies, allies which we can eliminate. As justification for the strike, we can just make up some stuff about how bad the other country is. We’ll just say they had weapons of mass destruction, since that worked last time. The rest of NATO probably won’t be with us, but it’s not like they spend anything on their military anyway, so who cares.
In addition, war is fun. Wars make cool documentaries, and since we will win, we’ll get to be the heroes of those documentaries. The country we invade will be the villains because we can make up whatever we want about their motives. Hell, we can say each nation we fought was run by pedophiles, and the children won’t know any better. Also, think of all the cool action movies starring the Rock that we could make. After cryogenically freezing him so that he becomes immortal, he can play all of America and show why we are the greatest country in the world.
To conclude, life is boring. I need purpose in my life and war seems to be the only possible option. Everything else in my life seems insignificant and dying for my country in a war is the only thing that would make my life worth anything. People would remember my name and finally care about me. I don’t have a death wish, but if I die in a war, it would be pretty cool. Maybe the Rock can play me.