Findley Schaeffer '25
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Between the years of 1959 and 1971, over 12 million birds were massacred under the approval of Dwight D. Eisenhower. By 1973, True Patriots assembled the “Birds Aren’t Real” opposition force to stick it to the man—and/or the eyes in the sky, and/or the CIA, and/or Jeffrey Epstein. The movement gained traction in popular media slowly over the years, but its real debut into popular culture occurred around December 2021 (nearly two months AFTER you may have heard whispers on the Close about it).
Like you, I have heard only legends of the “Bird Girl,” who wreaked havoc throughout her reign of approximately October 2021 to April 2022, which some refer to as her “bird phase.” During this period, she committed herself to the truth, even sacrificing her reputation, credibility, and any chance of a romantic pursuit in the process. Who among us has presented that level of dedication to a cause that they hold so dearly to their heart—discounting some outspoken members of Gov Club, every person associated with the BEEF club (please unblock me uwu), and viola players? She put herself out there for you. She was confident; she was courageous; she was unafraid of backlash. In return, all she received was disrespect, dismissal of her truths, and—-I don’t know another word that would maintain the alliteration. Who else would have told you that birdwatching goes both ways? Who else would have taught you that birds are the bourgeoisie? Who else would have taught you that if it flies, it spies?
Throughout her rise to fame (or infamy—it’s contested) and after, many members of our community sent her pictures of birds, news articles, etc., making fun of her passion. I think we should take a minute to think about why. Has our male colleague, [redacted for privacy] received backlash and been called a “conspiracy theorist”? No! Because we, as a society, think it’s socially acceptable for SOME people to promote outlandish concepts like evolution. When Bird Girl suggested ditching the “turkey” for Thanksgiving in 2021 because of microchips, many called her a “conspiracy theorist.” What about a hypothetical male version of That Vegan Teacher? No one, hypothetically, had anything to say about his tofurkey! Where would we be as a species if we ignored the accomplishments of women, calling them “crazy,” only until men caught up with our radical way of thinking? Next time you want to call a woman a conspiracy theorist, take 6 seconds to PONDER your ulterior motives:
Perhaps you should consider the validity of the argument before using derogatory terms.
Only after this consideration will you realize that the alleged theory is truthful.
Nickels. They are worth five cents.
Don’t disrespect “conspiracy theorists.” “Well behaved women never made history” -the sign in the NCS office.
Ever think about how maybe it’s your own insecurities about lacking the confidence to speak up causing you to bring down others?
Relate their experience to your own. Understand why they are so committed. If you are still confused, ask the person in question respectfully.
When we use words with derogatory connotations to describe outspoken women such as “conspiracy theorist,” we invalidate their ideas. So, take a minute. Don’t be afraid to be laughed at, don’t fear the loss of your generally neutral/nonexistent reputation. Stand up for what you believe in. And, as always, stay woke.
About the Author
Findley Schaeffer has received many awards for her activist work, including “Resident Ornithologist, PhD.” She is a strong believer in the fact that, despite it being on a paper plate and created by high schoolers, the award is still valid. Only child, critically acclaimed artist, and viola player Julia “Jesus Water” Wang even supported the Birds Aren’t Real movement with Findley on her official Instagram art account, @silwxy_arts. All these accomplishments should obviously demonstrate to people like yourself her credibility and devotion to reliable, extremist-centric journalism.
McIndoe, Peter. Birds Aren’t Real, 2022, https://birdsarentreal.com/.